Developing Habits of Self-Compassion

Compassion in teaching – for students and for ourselves

By Janine Carlock

No one goes into ESL to make money; we all have a passion for teaching and helping others. However, our ability to provide instruction to our students, like their ability to receive it, is greatly curtailed given the additional time it takes to communicate effectively in the online classroom and to not only familiarize student with the digital format of the class, but also accommodate for technological issues that may arise (not to mention the increase in daily life stressors as well as a result of Covid-19, social unrest and other global phenomena). With the cognitive load for both teachers and students having multiplied exponentially, it has become difficult to face the day positively and productively. One habit that can help is the practice of self-compassion. Educational psychologist Kristin Neff has broken down self-compassion into 3 categories: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

3 elements of self-compassion: kindness, common humanity and mindfulness

Kindness includes recognizing the dialogues that you are having with yourself and responding to yourself with compassion rather than judgement. For example, imagine you are talking to a friend who has the same problem you are having. Would you criticize him/her in response in the same way you would criticize yourself? Of course not.

Common humanity involves reflecting on the fact that others share the suffering that we are going through – we are not alone. Maybe your students’ attendance in this era of online/hybrid teaching has become spotty. You have tried to understand why and adjusting teaching, but nothing is working. You sit in front of the computer feeling sorry for yourself because you can’t seem to figure it out. In this case, talking to others can help relieve frustration and feelings of inadequacy as you can share stories and realize that everyone has challenges. Try to create spaces where you can feel a sense of connection.

Mindfulness, Neff’s third element of self-compassion, is interrelated with the other two. The focus here is on not suppressing those emotions; as Neff (2020) states, “We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time.” It is important to acknowledge what you are feeling, no matter how negative it may be, and maintain a stance of non-judgment. At the same time, while acknowledging those feeling, we cannot wallow in them and be caught up in a state of reactivity.

Tools to foster self-compassion

There are several ways to foster self-compassion. Here are just a few.

Complete a “balance chart” that details your life balance at the moment (mentally, physical, emotionally spiritually). This will help you recognize where you are at this point in time.

For example:

mentally	physically
I forget things more easily.	My body is sore from sitting all day. I’ve gained weight.
emotionally	spiritually
I get angry with my students easily.	I’m out of touch with my inner self.

Do a loving kindness meditation, such as the one of page 24 of the document found at https://www.mindfulnessstudies.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/Self-Compassion_and_Mindfulness.pdf.
Create a “worry” diagram that depicts what is in your control and what is not:

See F. Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People for more about this.

Start a daily “breath of gratitude” habit: foster an awareness of when you feel your body beginning to tense. Close your eyes, take a deliberate breath in, allowing yourself to feel gratitude for something specific to that day or that week. On the exhale, blow out the stress. Repeat a few times.
Set aside a time to write down your ideas and feelings, whether on paper or on your computer. Some examples include:
a letter of self-compassion to yourself. It is difficult to sit and you will feel uncomfortable letting all the emotions surface, but focus on the 3 elements of self-compassion and write it out. Remember, struggle is growth.
A deeper analysis of the items in your life balance chart, examining why you are feeling this way. Then write out what you would tell a friend who is feeling this way – this will help you adjust your internal dialogue to be more self-compassionate.

Conclusion

As with any change, it takes time and consistent practice to develop compassion for yourself and others, so be self-compassionate and give yourself that time. It is important. Habits of self-compassion strengthen resilience (Schwartz, 2016). They help us to better cope with the world around us.

Don’t forget that this information can also be useful for students. A few minutes each week fostering self-compassionate habits for yourself and encouraging them in your students can make a big difference.

Some useful websites for information on self-compassion include:

Janine Carlock has taught ESL at Duquesne University and the University of Pittsburgh. She has authored a number of books on teaching writing and researching at the college level. Contact Janine at carlockj@duq.edu.

Other references:

Neff , K. (2020). Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

Schwartz, A. (2016, Apr. 18). Six pillars of resilience-Dr. Arielle Schwartz. https://drarielleschwartz.com/6-pillars-of-resilience-dr-arielle-schwartz/#.X68xRlB7lPZ